Everyone has one issue they can't get past. This is mine.
Yeah, yeah, her sim, her rules, but--shouldn't rules make sense? Doesn't that make rules easier to obey? How can I obey the rules if they don't apply the same for everyone on the sim?
So...as I ask myself many, many times...what's on the scales with this? One side is clearly, I cannot be who I am, and that makes me cringe away. The other side of the scale is loaded with what I've listed above: the people, the place, the story. And some weeks the pan with the sim layout, and the people, and the story is heavier, and some weeks--the weeks I spend away from the sim--the utter restriction against just me, and no one else, weighs the pan on the other side down. It's never fully balanced, it just swings from side to side, up and down.
[10:09] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): How have you been?When this conversation began, I had *just* gotten to the keys.
[10:10] Axx Wxxxxxxx: A Bit busy but in a good way, and generally good, I guess, a bit of a tiring week, but today's been kind, you?
[10:12] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Going well so far.
[10:12] Axx Wxxxxxxx: What are you upto? thought we were supposed to be around 10 no? or was it only for the noon dance?We'd actually agreed to meet on Sunday, but--this comment threw me enough I was prepared to drop a great deal in case I was wrong.
[10:13] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Ah! No no no
[10:13] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Well, couple things.It's funny, I have the same issue in reverse--my time is SLT, so that makes conversion easy, but--everyone else being not SLT, that's the tricky bit.
[10:13] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): 1, yes, I forgot, but that can be made up with by a port.
[10:14] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): And 2. the noon dance is Sunday. (Your Monday.)
[10:14] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): And I guess 3, I got dressed to grit my teeth through a 1pm "very important sim event" at [a certain roleplay sim], but I will happily be occupied should it happen.
[10:14] Axx Wxxxxxxx: God, I am going crazy with the time zones hahahaa
[10:14] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) grinsI resemble this more times than I'd like, but I am trying to work on getting more sleep.
[10:15] Axx Wxxxxxxx: you're right, its tomorrow, not even today, circadian rhythm's been [f**king] up since I dont even know when I sleep or WHY i sleep hahaa..and everything sometimes seems like a blur
[10:15] Axx Wxxxxxxx: ohh [roleplay sim] event, sounds fun?!No, no, it really won't.
[10:18] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I have no idea
[10:19] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr):[6:12 AM] [lxxxxxxx Fxxxx]: The [roleplay house] event today is very important to the house and to the sim at large. If you can make it, please do attend.[10:19] Axx Wxxxxxxx: Hahaa, maybe that will make it more interesting
[10:19] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): No.
[10:19] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): But I feel oddly compelled to show up as a representative of the goddamn [one particular group on the sim].And that was a bit of depressing realization, right there.
[10:21] Axx Wxxxxxxx: I'm kindaa relieved I didn't over commit for once, Coming as a guest if I do easies any expectations.
[10:21] Axx Wxxxxxxx: heh goddamn [group].
[10:22] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Yep.
[10:22] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Honestly, the [people in my faction] are the only reason I stay.
[10:23] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): [Axxx] wants me there. But I'm already going to train for the Scholar branch, not the Healer. [Exxx] I can meet with off the sim. Everyone else I know there that I want to keep in contact with I can away from [the sim].
[10:23] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): [Axxx], [Fxx], [Cxx], hells, even [Sxx] at times--were it not for them, I'd just leave at this point.
[10:29] Axx Wxxxxxxx: There's a particular branch of folks you are connected with , who keep you there, I see. Its usually something I deal with when attending a friend who's a dj, but the place they are playing is somewhere I dont feel any compelling reason to visit or the crowd is just mute and dead, I could come and support the friend, make their set lively, but the question then becomes ..How many times...wouldn't it be so much better if you connected with the rest of the court as well, but thats not just upto us, parts of it we like, parts of it we dont, the ratio of like-dislike keeps changing now and then, so just gotta go with the gut there of what feels right at hte moment.And the penny dropped.
[10:32] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Ah, well, see, here's the issue, there.My biggest problem is not that I'm stamping my foot petulantly and insisting that they accept me, whether I'm a tall cosplay avatar, or a Dinkie riding a capybara, or a My Little Pony person on an adult sim. I know there are things that would be impossible to play in the setting. I do get that. My problem is I'm being told it's human-only...and then being shown, over and over again, that it's not. And that is what I can't get over.
[10:32] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Largely, I do connect with everyone, and well, save one.
[10:32] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): But that one....is the sim owner.
[10:33] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Beautiful sim? Yes. Good concept, even if not many players on the sim understand the universe? Absolutely. Most players smart, witty, sensual? Check.
[10:33] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): But that one.
[10:34] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): And that one, you see, I could even forgive and move past, but that one holds me to shapes and species I do not want to be, while she allows everyone else all freedoms to be who they want. And that...galls more, day by day.
[10:37] Axx Wxxxxxxx: [Kxxxx], you mean, right.And...I could do that, I have done that on other human-only sims, but...this one. It's human-only in words only, it's catgirls and bunny girls and demons and full furs and fetish bots on the ground.
[10:37] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Mm.
[10:40] Axx Wxxxxxxx: Perhaps you can talk with [Axxx] about it, for having her talk to [kxxxx] to allow you more freedom about the species and shapes you wish to be in, and come a sweet compromise, and if [kxxxx] is that stuck, then sure be a human, and enjoy your time at the sim, it doesn't change you, you can still be you when you're outside, besides if you enjoy the company, and think its worth it, you can comply with her bs for that time, and just ignore , focus on what you enjoy.
Yeah, yeah, her sim, her rules, but--shouldn't rules make sense? Doesn't that make rules easier to obey? How can I obey the rules if they don't apply the same for everyone on the sim?
[10:41] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): This may sound odd, considering this is a virtual world, and the digital is far from the real, and everything is invented, but...I do take being a shapeshifter seriously. It's coded deeply in my virtual DNA, and in a fair bit of my psychology at this point.In a nutshell.
[10:41] Axx Wxxxxxxx: Find someone who is a similar species or shape you want to represent yourself to be in, and take that to [kxxxx], why they are allowed to be this and you're not...either she'll have to let you move forward with the change or tell that other person off as well...even if she does the latter...folks would then start to realize that this whole system is a bit arbitrary and according to her whims
[10:41] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Oh, they realize it.
[10:41] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): That's the problem.
[10:41] Axx Wxxxxxxx: Oh, I'm not at denying its not, I know that it means true to you.And the question circles around again--if it's just me that has to deal with this, 1), why can't I just suck it up and deal and stay human, and 2), if it bugs me this much, why don't I just leave? And...that's a complicated answer. Pretty sim. Good people (mostly). I like the roleplay concept.
[10:41] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): No one else has these restrictions.
[10:41] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Just.
[10:41] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Me.
So...as I ask myself many, many times...what's on the scales with this? One side is clearly, I cannot be who I am, and that makes me cringe away. The other side of the scale is loaded with what I've listed above: the people, the place, the story. And some weeks the pan with the sim layout, and the people, and the story is heavier, and some weeks--the weeks I spend away from the sim--the utter restriction against just me, and no one else, weighs the pan on the other side down. It's never fully balanced, it just swings from side to side, up and down.
[10:42] Axx Wxxxxxxx: Then thats just simply unfair, you have to talk to others about it like again [Axxxx]And yeah, I do know because I called her on her nonsense in public, that is exactly why I'm held to a different standard than every other avatar on the sim. I get it. It's wholly unfair, and it's stupid, but I do get it.
[10:42] Axx Wxxxxxxx: Or [Exxx]
[10:42] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Because I was the one who called her out on her hypocrisy in public, and demanded an accounting of her standards. I got one; she moved the goalposts. I got another; she moved them again.
[10:42] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) smilesWas that an incredibly stupid thing to say to a sim owner? Absolutely. Usually I'm not so tactless. Frustration was high, and I was so, so very tired of watching her ban new people solely on whims of the moment...but I was still wrong. I did apologize, but...what's said is said, and usually remembered.
[10:42] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Do you know the reason I'm not banned from the [sim under discussion]?
[10:44] Axx Wxxxxxxx: Because that would be stupid, without reason and a call solely contributed by personal bias that leadership shouldn't be making?
[10:44] Axx Wxxxxxxx: I'm sure there's another reason. though.
[10:44] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): [Axxx] and [Exxx] stepped in during the last fight, wherein I said [Kxxxx] was killing her own sim by random grudge-based permabans.
[10:44] Axx Wxxxxxxx: Common sense not being common.And yes, it's my fault she's gotten so stubborn on this. I get that too.
[10:44] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): So...I've given up on getting any kind of reconciliation. She's set in her heels.
[10:45] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Catgirls are fine, fox girls, bunny girls, succubi, demons, and full-on head-to-toe latex gynoid bots are fine...Not me.Yeah. Pretty much, that's the dilemma.
[10:45] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): So, I go through cycles where I avoid the [sim under discussion], and then I sigh at my brain and make an effort again, and...that lasts until she brings someone else in that blows past her 'human only' rules.
[10:45] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) shrugs
[10:49] Axx Wxxxxxxx: I think at this point, you should just shrug and shapeshift into what she can't bitch about, and focus on what you enjoy. Its her sim in the end , her rules even if they are grudges or arbitrary whims, you can either quit the whole thing or compromise and adjust when you're in the sim, and let the situation cool off in time...that is if you think of the sim and company as deserving enough for your sacrifice.
[10:50] Axx Wxxxxxxx: Theres no point in talking to [kxxxx] then..you have options beside being human, but I know where you are coming from.Pinioned by my own sense of honor and responsibility to story and friendship, yes...That is where I stand. And decide again, and again, and again...
[10:51] Axx Wxxxxxxx: It is what it is
[10:51] Axx Wxxxxxxx: Theres always going to far more incompetent leadership, be it rl or sl
[10:51] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): And that, my dear, is the question I wrestle with every time I feel compelled to go to the sim.
[10:52] Axx Wxxxxxxx: far more incompetent leadership who shouldnt be managing or handling anything, and yet they do and continue to [f**k] it up
[10:52] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Mmhmm.
[10:52] Axx Wxxxxxxx: nothing you can do about it, its not your job to make it right
[10:52] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): And in this sense, yeah, it's not my circus, not my monkeys, technically...I'm just tasked with upkeep on the cages.
[10:53] Axx Wxxxxxxx: I would just [f**k] off from the sim, but then I'm not as connected to it or the priesthood role or the folks there as you are
[10:53] Axx Wxxxxxxx: its upto you to decide if its worth it or not
[10:55] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) nodsI guess, but in this sense, it's just roleplay. It's just story? Does it really matter? Is it worth this much angst?
[10:55] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I think it's stubbornness at this point, honestly.
[10:55] Axx Wxxxxxxx: from both of you, yes, though you have a valid reason for it, hers is petty.
[10:59] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) nods.
[10:59] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Yeah.
[10:59] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): And I may be pulling a [Jxxxxxx] on this one. Wanting to secure my priesthood, because now I'm still an acolyte. But that's only going to take me so far.
[11:00] Axx Wxxxxxxx: might as well go through the journey since you've already been on the path
[11:01] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): That was my thinking, and then look where I am.Because I have the same decisions there, in a sense...A far less inept sim owner, but some of the same issues.
[11:01] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Can I accomplish good things on the sim? Is it worth it? If it's not, then I'll walk.
[11:10] Axx Wxxxxxxx: I think thats the best perspective you can adapt to for now, and not just on this sim, but same goes for [where I work] if you think about it.
[11:14] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): OH, it does, believe me, reading over this, I see that.